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September 2012

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Sep. 5th, 2012

(no subject)

Cause I'm afraid to be alone.
And I'm afraid that one day you'll find out.

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Jun. 5th, 2012

That was love and its an ache I still remember.



Happy early birthday, love...

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Apr. 16th, 2012

(no subject)

I need to go to the doctor. I need to figure out if my chemical make up is incorrect. I am moving on with my life. With living with my parents. Living with my mood swings. Living with the insomnia, lately. Living with the loneliness. I'm done. I'm changing something. And I'm changing it now. Solving my problems. Killing loneliness. Today is the beginning of the end.

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Feb. 10th, 2012

(no subject)

I can feel myself getting more and more weak as the days go on. What is this disease I battle? Is it physical? Is my mental instability getting the best of me? I'm not sure which way to go anymore. Maybe it's both.

Up or down.
Left or right.
Right or wrong.
Good or evil.
positive or negative.
All of the above.

Yes that's it, all of the above. For I am the circle and the circle is me. My mind, body and spirit is encompassed by the circle. I am the circle and the circle is me.

As long as i believe that, the Goddess will keep me strong.

Her light will wash over me and give me the strength to defeat my enemies.

The negativity will wash away as spirit washes over me.

I will defeat him.

Jack and Jill,
went up the hill,
to fetch a pail
of water.

Jack fell down,
And broke his crown,
Jill came tumbling after.
I will defeat you.
You will fall.

And then I will leave this place behind in my dust and move on with my life.
My life in one with the circle.
I am the circle and the circle is me.
As long as i believe that...nothing will defeat me.
Not even you....

Jake.
Ha,
Silly little boy.
I am done with your antics.
I don't need you.
I never have.

Red.
My dear, dear puppet master.
I have cut the strings.
Possibly too late.
But I am a slave to you no longer.
Tonic...dont make me laugh.
You were toxic, my love.
I have found the antidote.

I am the circle and the circle is me.

Free.
I am free.
Free from guilt.
Free from your strings.
Free from my past.
Free of you evermore.

I'm leaving soon.
And I wont return.
One person will know where I am.
Hopefully she will come with me.
My loyal friend.

We are a circle in and of itself.
We are the circle and the circle is us.
My best friend that I would not give up for anything.
Not even love.

I feel...joy.
Joy at this revelation.
Peace. That is what i feel.
Jubilation, that is what i feel.
Its no coincidence, her name.
She makes me feel joyful again.
That's for sure.

Jan. 5th, 2012

(no subject)

Hands touch, eyes meet.
Sudden silence, sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl.
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Every so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

But I'm still unlimited. Defying gravity.
I hope your happy.
Although I cant imagine how.
I hope your happy right now.
Listen to me.
Just say your sorry.
we can have all we ever wanted. ..
But i don't want it.
No.
I cant want it anymore.
Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of your dumb game.
To late for second guessing.
To late to go back to sleep.
Its time to trust my instincts close my eyes.
And leap.
Its time to try defying gravity.
I think ill try defying gravity
And you cant pull me down.

Can't I make you understand?
I was having delusions of grandeur

But I'm through accepting limits
because you say they're so.
Some things I cannot change,
but till i try ill never know.
too long I've been afraid of
loosing love i guess I've lost.
Well if that's love,
it comes at much too high a cost.
I'd sooner buy defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye.
I'm defying gravity and you cant pull me down.

Come with me.
Think of what we could do together.

Unlimited.

Together we were unlimited.
Together we would've been the greatest team there's ever been, Jacob 
D
reams, the way we planned 'em
If we'd worked in tandem
There's no fight we could not win
Just you and I Defying gravity
With you and I Defying gravity
They'll never bring us down!
Well? Did you ever plan on coming?
I hope you're happy.
Now that you're choosing this
And I,
I hope it brings you bliss.

I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end.
I hope you're happy, my friend:
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No lover that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!
Bring me down!
Ahhh!




I'm limited.
Just look at me.
I'm limited.
and just look at you,
you could do all i couldn't do.

So now its up to you.
For us- Now its up to you.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

Who can say if i've been changed for the better?...


You changed me forever.
Your love tainted my soul.
Your touch tainted my sense of feeling.
I'm not that girl.
She's unlimited.
I'm limited.
You did all the things I couldn't do.
Who can say if i've been changed for the better?
Because I knew you, i've been changed for good.


Jake, I will always love you.
You made me who i am today.
The girl, limited by you, is being changed for good.
I'll become unlimited, i promise.
And when i do, you will remain in my heart the way I want you to be.
Untainted by hate.
Unharmed by time.
Unlimited by love.
untouched for so long.
I will linger in what was good.
Not how much it hurt me.
I'm flying free.
Starting
now.




Dec. 8th, 2011

(no subject)

Words don't express how I feel right now.
I want to crawl into a hole and die.
That's all I have to say.
Because the guilt is overwhelming.
And the sadness is suffocating.
Not to mention the worry.
That seeps into every waking thought.
Fuck this.
Someone hand me a lighter.
I'll watch my hopes and fears fade with the smoke.

Dec. 5th, 2011

(no subject)

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I need a cigarette.

Nov. 20th, 2011

True Sims Love

Audin and I are dating. Its quite sweet.
Love you.
<3

(no subject)

I need a boy who's real. One who knows the real me and isnt afraid to show me who he truly is. I want that relationship that makes everyone else jealous. I want what everyone else has. Happiness. Acceptance. Love. Instead I have lust, anger, and judgment. I hate myself for being this way. Someone, please, help me get out of this. I want that love that outlasts everything else. I want to be fake so I can be happy with those who arent real. I want my regrets to vanish and my life to become something of the storybook tales. Then I would be happy. I wouldnt know any better.

I could love whomever I wanted without penalty. I could release myself from tourture and hate. All that would be real is us. But you're not real, are you darling. You dont exist anymore. The man I knew is gone. And nothing will replace him, not for me. More than anything, I want to feel something for the people who make me feel nothing. Maybe then my life would be complete. Maybe then I could figure out how I feel about the rest of my life. Maybe then i wouldnt be so scared to leave everything behind and run away. I used to know what it felt like to have no doubts, to feel no fear for the future. You took that all with you, babe. When you escaped from this place and took a piece of me with you. Then the next came along and did the same. Anyone I truly love leaves me in the dust, waiting, watching for the next guy to take another piece of me away.

At least I felt complete for a moment in time. In your arms. Locked deep in your gaze. There, and only there, I was at home. I dont know anyone else with eyes like that. That capavated my very essence. That drove me insane in all the right ways. Now my insanity is wrong, out of control. My anger flares, my head clouds up, and only thoughts of you clear my ever waking mind. I will love you until the day i die. Thats the promise i made. And i will keep it forever.

That doesnt have to mean i cant love others does it? I have before, He was just like you, love. He drove me crazy with those same deep eyes. Even your smiles were identical. Crooked, learing, laughing. I felt...gravitated towards you both in the same way. My insecurites meant nothing, my stupidity gone. All that mattered was that you were there, laughing with me. And i still remember the laughs, those were different. But the feeling they gave me, always the same. One heartfelt kiss. Thats all I ever wanted from either of you. And I never truly got it. I was left, without warning, without goodbyes, by the two men I loved that were almost one in the same.

I never meant to talk about wither of you. I never meant to dig up these feelings and thoughts. I never meant to tell this to the world. But my words took me away.

You all know who they are.
Dont say their names.
The pain is too much.
I cant survive it.



I want another one like them. One who tears me apart. I dont care about the conciquences i just want to feel that for one more day. No matter if I survive the next or not.

Nov. 15th, 2011

(no subject)

I don't know what I'm feeling. Or how to figure it out. Everything is building up and I'm going to blow. I need to get out of this house. Away from these people and this town. I'm suffocating here and I need to get out. I need to go home.

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